Let me begin by asking you, “Does your faith regulate your feelings, or do your feelings dictate your faith?”  Your honest answer to this question will play a vital role in your successfully identifying, engaging, and ultimately marrying the woman to whom you’ll commit for the rest of your life.

So, you’re considering pursuing a courtship resulting in a lasting marriage to a woman.  Where do you start?  What exactly should you do?  Do lasting marriages even still exist, or are they “a thing of the past?”  Okay…okay…I’ll stop with all the questions and get started with offering some practical guidance.

I must plainly state up front that as a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, all that you do should be to His glory (1Corinthians 10:31).  So you need to first of all ask yourself, “Is marriage a part of God’s will and plan for my life?”  Don’t be too quick to conclude that it’s His will for you simply because you have the thought and desire for marriage.  Our Heavenly Father doesn’t ordain matters on the basis of our feelings.  He is much more purposeful in His plan for our lives.  While more often than not it is His will for a man to be united with a woman, like Samson, we all-too-often jump ahead of our Father and simply go after one because we feel “…she is right in my eyes (Judges 14:3 ESV).”  Instead, I’d encourage you to humbly take the posture of our Elder Brother, Jesus, “…nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done (Luke 22:42).”

You would do well to start with understanding “why” our Heavenly Father brings a man and woman together: that He might further form His image and likeness in their character (Ephesians 5:21-28, 33), that they may intentionally rear godly offspring (Genesis 1:27-28; Malachi 2:15), and that they might serve as a visible reflection of Christ’s relationship with His bride–the Church (Ephesians 5:29-32).

“Start with understanding “why” our Heavenly Father brings a man and woman together.”

Our Father’s original intent was to have His image and likeness demonstrated by humankind as His representatives on earth. He has never gone back on that intent.  Marriage is one of the foremost tools He utilizes to readily forge His character within us.  It’s in the context of marriage that a couple enters an environment which facilitates character formation.  It’s there that the ingredients of heat, pressure, and time converge to catalyze the character-forming process.

Additionally, our Father’s original plan was for couples to reproduce offspring who would be trained by parents to bear His image on the earth.  Rearing godly offspring is in biblical terms known as “discipleship.”  Unfortunately, many men neglect giving this particular responsibility much thought and preparation before pursuing a relationship with a woman.

Finally, marriage is to be an ever-increasing reflection of Christ’s love (sacrifice) for His bride–the Church.  Marriage should be a continual proclamation of the gospel of God’s kingdom, for as husbands lovingly sacrifice on behalf of their wives, and as wives respectfully submit to the servant-leadership of their husbands, onlookers get a glimpse of the redemptive relationship carried on between Christ and His church.

Now that I’ve provided a brief synopsis concerning the “why” of coming together with a woman, let’s take a look at the “how.”

I stated earlier that all you do should be to the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.  This especially includes how you interact with your sisters in Christ (1Thessalonians 4:3-8; 1Timothy 5:1-2).  Honoring the principle of purity in God’s kingdom is of primary importance on your journey leading to success in finding a God-ordained partner for life.  So, glorify God in your mind and with your body! 

Right on the heels of this principle of purity follows the practice of choosing to relate to one another as friends.  As friends, you must understand that you’re on a path of discovering God’s will for the extent of your friendship, not on a preordained highway as romanticists headed to the altar.

“Whoa…whoa, dude, in what era have you been living?!”, you might exclaim.  However, bear with me for a moment.

Trust is the foundation to any enduring relationship.  The moment trust is broken, the relationship starts to disintegrate.  But how is trust established?  Is it not through the process of good “old-fashioned” friendship?  Indeed, friendship is the cornerstone of any relationship that hopes to stand the test of time and trials.  You can be sure that a relationship with the opposite sex will undergo its share of trials over the course of time.  Your practicing the art of friendship, promoting the welfare of another through both difficult and favorable times, builds a repository of trust from which to draw.

But what about romance…where does it come into play?  Let’s not get the cart before the horse.  Too often couples lead with romance only to later find out that neither partner has truly learned the more fundamental elements of relating.  When they realize that the relationship dance demands fundamentals much more often than it requires romance, they find themselves lacking the ability to continue participating on the relationship dance floor.

You must learn to master the fundamental of building a solid personal relationship with Jesus.  This will keep your spirit lifted even if you discover that His will is for the courtship to not go beyond friendship.  

Another fundamental is being an astute observer of the woman’s character.  Is she given to putting her wants and desires ahead of the needs of others?  Is she someone who is quick to criticize others and speak negatively about them?  Is she given to preoccupation with temporal material things rather than to the eternal matters of God’s kingdom?  Just in case you didn’t realize it, these are characteristics you DO NOT want existing in a potential life mate.  

Finally, you’ll want to practice the fundamental of interacting with each other in the context of community.  This affords others whom you know and trust opportunity to observe the relationship’s dynamics.  This will facilitate their being able to provide godly input.  DO NOT make the mistake of being your own counsel regarding this decision (Proverbs 18:1 NKJV).  Other than following Christ, this is likely the most important decision in life you’ll make.

This topic warrants additional discussion, however, if you start with the basics stated herein, you’ll be off to a solid start in your courtship journey.  You’ll be situated to find, not merely the woman you want, but more importantly, the woman your Heavenly Father wants to provide for you (Proverbs 18:22, 19:14).

Questions to consider in your courtship journey:

1. Do I see myself as being someone who is ready to lead another spiritually?
2. Am I gainfully employed and ready to assume financial responsibility of a household? 
3. Do I believe relationship with the opposite sex is the remedy for feeling lonely or insignificant?
4. What mature believer is in my life that I trust to speak the truth in love to me regarding my readiness for pursuing courtship with a woman?